On Mixed Feelings I
The hopeless romantic.
So, it came to be that the benevolent gods that gave and took teenage loves had willed that M. and I would be destined for each other. I had most certainly chased her for almost four years now, and this moment where our lips locked in intimate passion seemed like a scene off a Mills And Boon novel.
Through the four years that we communicated vague 'I-miss-yous' and 'I-can't-wait-to-see-yous' she went through two relationships and me none. Both of her past boyfriends, current and newly ex, were close friends of mine. I remember the first time we met. And tried to know each other. The fact that I could not read her nor get past the veiled look in her eyes startled me; so, to me, she was terribly intriguing, and painfully so.
At the end of every year, we would text each other often. Flirt heavily. But during those tiny stretches of time, I figured; ours was a relationship that was safe. Bound. In which both of you carefully avert from discussing anything of considerable depth. Shallow. We were both bat-blind to the things that happened in each of our lives. I did not give a damn. I was entirely convinced that ours was a match made in Heaven, less so in Hell.
The first time I took her out on a date was the beginning of an inevitable end. Yes, we went and ate KFC chicken, played Injustice on PlayStation and made out in a tattoo parlour. Her pouring liquor on my Harvard sweatshirt so she could have it.
I guess she was the kind of girl not to bear herself fully to others but bear herself fully to the world. She's a good kisser, that I'd have to give it to her.
But (There's always a but in the story) there was something that had changed. The first time we kissed was an ethereal experience, my stomach twisted in undoable knots and my hands trembling badly. But the second time.
No magic.
No tongue.
Same girl.
It was time to go and I offered to take her home. We got into the Matatu; waiting for it to fill up. I asked her whether she wanted another Trident gum, yes, she said. She took the Trident packet and split it in half and said that never should I lose the other half.
A symbol of our love she said.
I went home feeling empty inside.
I did not know why.
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